so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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