Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
