Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
This is the high leading the old right now
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
