Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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