i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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