im six kinds of drunk right now
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
