Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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