I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
