I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
