Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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