ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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