I think I died a long time ago.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
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