Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
