just tell him i said nine months
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
