Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
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