Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
