we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
