I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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