nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
