im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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