pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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