he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.