Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
let's call it "werewolfing"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me