I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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