cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
