So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
