Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
