I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
