There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i think i just lost a toe
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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