it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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