I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
