May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
