she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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