Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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