the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
