I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
