I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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