I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
