Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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