I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
