the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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