mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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