I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
