Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
