and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
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Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
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Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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