this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
