In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
