I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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