Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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