Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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