I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
