I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
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My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
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When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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