Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
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You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
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I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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