I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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