Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize