I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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