OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
